HEAVEN IS FOR REAL!

So, after my sweet baby boy went to be with God, I was constantly getting text and emails from people telling me i need to read the book 'Heaven is for Real'. For those who have never read it, this book tells a wonderful story of a little boy who visited heaven while his earthly body was being worked on by doctors. This 4 year old boy gives vivid details of his visit. Down to the color sash Jesus wore and meeting his sister that his mom miscarried, even about meeting John the baptist and how 'nice' he was! WOAHH! Once i picked this book, i couldn't put it down. Anytime a loved one passes away, there always people who say, 'they are in a better place' quite honestly, i got so sick of hearing that. I know that God has my Cayden. But as a mother, i felt like the best place he could be, is in my arms. After reading this book, i view heaven completely different. I am ashamed to say, But i never really thought of it as much mmore than a fairytale. The way this boy so 'matter of factly' describes Jesus, God, the angels and everyones wings; WOAH! There is NO way this kid is making this up! Anyways... Last night, before i went to bed, i read a few more chapters and said my prayers. As i am praying, i am picturing God sitting on the throne with Jesus on his right, and Gabriel on his left. My heart became so heavy with peace. I know they hear me. I know that i have never been ignored. I felt like i could have reached up and touched God while i was praying. Now, i have spent alot of time crying, begging, and pleading with God about cayden. Here is how that went. God, please heal MY baby boy. God, Im begging you to heal him. God, I will give up my own life if you will just let him live!! Basically i was telling God MY plans. They were not his plans. I felt like i was talking to myself. Now my prayers are a little different. God, Thank you for healing my son and taking him to the kingdom of heaven to wait for me. Thank you for giving me the strength to survive everyday life. Thank you for blessing me with such wonderful people who have supported us from the beginning.. Last night, i had a very heavy burden on my heart and while i was totally connected with God, i told him ALL about it. I felt relieved, and like i had Gods hand on my shoulder comforting me. So after finally laying down to go to sleep, i tossed and turned and asked God to give me the rest i need and give me peaceful dreams.... Peaceful dreams i asked, and Vivid, comforting dreams I GOT! I saw my sweet boy last night! I saw his wings, and i heard his giggles, he had no tubes, or monitors, It was just HAPPY and HEALTHY cayden! I feel like i have had a total weight lifted from me.I no longer worry about how Cayden is. I will no longer cry because he isnt in my arms. Truth of the matter is, he is here. He may not be in the flesh, here. But his presence is very real. So today, my prayers are, thank you God for giving me such comfort. Thank you for letting me spend a few more moments with my baby boy, and Thank you for giving me more peace than i have ever felt before. I feel like a new person. I am so excited to live the life God has planned for me!

the sun still shines.

First, let me say that I have the moat wonderful, caring people in my life. From the moment this all began, people have reached out to show us their kindness in forms of donations, prayers, and thoughts for this family. I have never been so proud to be a part of a community. Thank you all for the support. This last week has been a mixture of a thousand emotions. First I was angry. Very angry at God. I felt like I had been betrayed. I had way more faith than God asked me to have and yet he still didn't do what I asked, begged, and pleaded. I didn't understand. Why was God punishing me? Then came the sadness. All I have ever wanted was to have my baby in my arms, safe, and at home. The reality that uab and children's hospital were the only homes my baby had saddened me more than anyone could imagine. I cried until I ran out of tears that first night. I was sure that I was not going to survive this. The next morning I was surprised to see the sun shining. That's when I began to see that God was still here. He hadn't forsaken me. Although his plan wasn't what I had in mind, he was still very much in control. For 6 weeks I had heard from so many people that my son's story was changing their lives; but I never really got it until now. I am still getting emails and text all day long showing the impact my baby boy made. I am so proud to be his mommy. I am so blessed that God chose me to have him for the best 6 weeks of my life. I whitnessed a true miracle. Cayden was the strongest baby I have ever met. He faced 3 surgeries and came out like a champ! Numerous blood transfusions, he may have been ventilated 70% of the time, but he never quit fighting. I have been asked how I am dealing with this and the only thing I can say now is that Cayden had to fight for his life since the moment he was born. Friday September 30th, he was tired. He had just been through so much and he decided to go back to heaven. I don't blame him. Id much rather be where he is.
The day Cayden was laid to rest we got a call from one of our dearest friends and she offered us her lakehouse for a few days. I'm so glad we took her up on it. This has been so peaceful. We are a little closer to our baby again out here. I see it in the calm, peaceful water, the birds chirping and the sun shining. I wish I could stay out here forever. I've decided to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I feel like its time. I can't sit at home all day because I would go crazy. Some may say I'm doing things too quickly. My life has been on a rapid fast forward for the last 7 weeks. No, I don't think that the hard part is over. Sometimes I wonder how the world keeps turning. But God's not done with me yet. I want to be used. I want to be someone else's shoulder to cry on. Because I have been there. I have been hurt in the worst way possible. I know what its like to feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm still singing praises. Caydens fight is over but mine has just begun. I will fight for the broken. I'm going back to school in January to be a respiratory therapist. That is how I can give back. I know this blog has been all over the place and probably makes no sence but I have millions of things running through my head and I had to get it out. Thank you all for everything! Shawn and I are blessed beyond blessed and we see it more everyday.