the sun still shines.

First, let me say that I have the moat wonderful, caring people in my life. From the moment this all began, people have reached out to show us their kindness in forms of donations, prayers, and thoughts for this family. I have never been so proud to be a part of a community. Thank you all for the support. This last week has been a mixture of a thousand emotions. First I was angry. Very angry at God. I felt like I had been betrayed. I had way more faith than God asked me to have and yet he still didn't do what I asked, begged, and pleaded. I didn't understand. Why was God punishing me? Then came the sadness. All I have ever wanted was to have my baby in my arms, safe, and at home. The reality that uab and children's hospital were the only homes my baby had saddened me more than anyone could imagine. I cried until I ran out of tears that first night. I was sure that I was not going to survive this. The next morning I was surprised to see the sun shining. That's when I began to see that God was still here. He hadn't forsaken me. Although his plan wasn't what I had in mind, he was still very much in control. For 6 weeks I had heard from so many people that my son's story was changing their lives; but I never really got it until now. I am still getting emails and text all day long showing the impact my baby boy made. I am so proud to be his mommy. I am so blessed that God chose me to have him for the best 6 weeks of my life. I whitnessed a true miracle. Cayden was the strongest baby I have ever met. He faced 3 surgeries and came out like a champ! Numerous blood transfusions, he may have been ventilated 70% of the time, but he never quit fighting. I have been asked how I am dealing with this and the only thing I can say now is that Cayden had to fight for his life since the moment he was born. Friday September 30th, he was tired. He had just been through so much and he decided to go back to heaven. I don't blame him. Id much rather be where he is.
The day Cayden was laid to rest we got a call from one of our dearest friends and she offered us her lakehouse for a few days. I'm so glad we took her up on it. This has been so peaceful. We are a little closer to our baby again out here. I see it in the calm, peaceful water, the birds chirping and the sun shining. I wish I could stay out here forever. I've decided to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I feel like its time. I can't sit at home all day because I would go crazy. Some may say I'm doing things too quickly. My life has been on a rapid fast forward for the last 7 weeks. No, I don't think that the hard part is over. Sometimes I wonder how the world keeps turning. But God's not done with me yet. I want to be used. I want to be someone else's shoulder to cry on. Because I have been there. I have been hurt in the worst way possible. I know what its like to feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I'm still singing praises. Caydens fight is over but mine has just begun. I will fight for the broken. I'm going back to school in January to be a respiratory therapist. That is how I can give back. I know this blog has been all over the place and probably makes no sence but I have millions of things running through my head and I had to get it out. Thank you all for everything! Shawn and I are blessed beyond blessed and we see it more everyday.