Tuesday, September 27, 2011

We have had a day of ups and downs. I knew this morning that Cayden wasn't feeling well but the mother instinct tells me that I can rub his belly, hold his hand, and rub his head and make it all feel better. Unfortunate mommys touch just didn't do it. A lot of times I try to be strong and hold fast to my faith. I know that God has his hands on us, and I do NOT doubt that he is the healer above all. But on days like this, when he is in my arms and still uncomfortable, my heart sinks lower than low. If you want to know what true pain is, watch your baby cry with no voice. I normally don't blog when I'm feeling down but I feel like I'm being fake for only showing the happy, steadfast side of me. I look at caydens perfect face and study his eyes, his nose, chin, lips... And he is the most perfect baby I have ever laid my eyes on. So tell me this. How is it fair that all of these other moms get to sleep with their babies right next to them. I don't even get to pick my baby up and hold him without the help of nurses dragging all of the wires and tubes with him. I have never been jealous over other peoples lives until now. I know that God doesn't want me to be that way and I'm really trying to work on it. But the human part of me just wants to scream out and cry! Cayden is the best kind of gift from God. He is strong, he is the most loved a child can be and nothing about him makes me wish he was someone else's baby. That's why it hurts so much. He is MY perfect baby. But MY perfect baby shouldn't have to struggle to breath, and he shouldn't have to cry without a voice. He should be at home in my arms. God give me strenght to deal with the daily issues that come before me. Give me courage to stand up to the enemy and say YOU CAN'T HAVE MY JOY! Most of all, give me peace. I do not want to be jealous God. Help me to understand the gifts In this life you have given us. Surround this family with the protection of 10,000 angels and lay your perfect healing hands on our sweet baby boy. YOU ARE A GREAT BIG GOD!!! Thank you for being my strength in all my weakness. Help me to be more like you. AMEN!

1 comment:

  1. Nikki, praying hard for you and your lol family. Just remember that God has something big planned for that baby boy through all this. Love you girl and let me know what if anything else I can do for you!!

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